There are tons of television shows that feature celebrities competing against each other. And many of them have proved popular. For example, flocks of people have tuned into I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here!, in which famous folk complete challenges in the Australian Outback and viewers vote to send their least favourite contestants sent home.
So, why not have a programme in which famous faces cook stuff, in order to impress “ingredients expert” Gregg Wallace and restaurateur John Torode? Celebrity MasterChef is that programme.
It’s the sixth episode, and the winners of the week’s heats are competing for a place in the semi-final. So, the wheat has been seperated from the chaff, so to speak. The twelve celebrities we started with have been whittled down to four “exceptional cooks,” as the voiceover artist informs us.
As I say, we are left with four contestants. They are as follows:
- Josie d’Arby, a “well-known” television presenter who is so well-known that I have never heard of her. She is a bit of a novice, to say the least. Before the heats, she had never used an oven. Cor blast!
- Mark Moraghan, a “celebrated” and “much-loved” actor who is a star of Brookside and Holby City—two soaps I’ve never watched. According to Gregg Wallace, he is “a fine example of passion for food.”
- Liz McClarnon, a member of the band Atomic Kitten, which I have heard of. But I’ve never heard of McClarnon herself, before. Apparently, she has “extraordinary natural ability.”
- Wendi Peters, who I have never heard of either, but who I actually do recognise, since she has starred in Coronation Street—a terrific soap opera which I regularly watch.
So, four supposedly-famous people who actually aren’t very famous at all. Next year, we’ll probably have a lump of chewing gum on the show, with the claim to fame of having once been stuck to David Beckham’s shoe.
Time to test these chefs’ abilities, then, in the “classic recipe test.” The celebs are told to cook a dish of steak, chips, and bernaise sauce. They have an hour to do so. Soon—in about ten minutes, in fact—John and Gregg are shouting furiously that the hour is up. Wendi looks angry to hear that she has no more in which to cook. In fact, the poor woman’s face is always one of irritation. One suspects that the cameraman smells, or something, which is causing her to wrinkle her nose up so.
The presenters taste the food, and their reactions vary. Although Josie has “shown real potential” in the past, her bernaise sauce is not up to scratch—it is nothing more than “a jar of butter,” apparently. Mark, conversely, has produced “a great piece of steak.”
Gregg and John decide to eliminate Josie. Despite having plastered her steak with ludicrously high quantities of pepper, Wendi is saved.
The second part of the show is then upon us, in which the celebs must cook something they’ve never cooked before!
Mark is cooking something involving pears, lamb, and—crazily—asparagus wrapped in ham. He utters something about “150%”. What does he think this is, The Apprentice? Wendi is cooking a load of sweet stuff. And as for Liz, her dessert “sounds great,” but her glass breaks in the last minute. “Me glass has just broke!” she cries.
Soon, it’s tasting time again. The sauce on Wendi’s chicken is overly sweet for John, but her sticky toffee pudding receives universal acclaim. It is, according to John, “seriously sexy.” It’s just a sticky toffee pudding, mate.
But will Mark’s passion be reflected in his dish? John’s not what you’d call enthusiastic about the crazy starter. “It’s all right,” he says. At least his main course proves impressive, as does his dessert.
And Liz? Though never having used an oven before, remember, her dish is reasonably successful too, though needing a bit of a source to make it complete. She has even managed to rescue her dessert. After taking a mouthful, John acts peculiarly, almost breathing fire like a dragon, although without the presence of any flames. No, he hasn’t swallowed a shard of glass, he’s simply taken aback by the level of brandy in there. It’s one of the show’s most exciting moments, and it’s not really very exciting at all, which sort of shows just how unexciting Celebrity MasterChef is, overall.
As the three remaining contestants stagger into a room and collapse onto sofas, like they’ve just finished running a marathon, the experts debate who should go through to the semi-finals. Mark is safe—he is the most exceptional of all three exceptional cooks. But should Wendi or Liz go through with him? Wendi has a ridiculous palate, but Liz is a heavy novice. In the end, Wendi is shown the door. Liz is a bit pleased. “Shot op!” she exclaims, full of amazement. I think I agree with the chefs’ decision. Liz was a bit poo, but that was because of her lack of experience. She really does show “natural ability.” And Mark was a no-brainer, brimming with passion.
Really, I think that Celebrity MasterChef is not particularly good. The producers clearly pull out all the stops to make the show seem exciting, with scary music and an extremely serious voiceover. But, it’s not exciting. It’s just a load of not-very-famous people cooking stuff, and the stuff being eaten by a pair of shouty blokes.
Perhaps former MasterChef presenter Loyd Grossman should return. He wouldn’t make it exciting, neccessarily, but excitement is not really what’s needed. Grossman has a truly brilliant accent, which could make even Moneybox Live worth listening to. Too bad he’s busy making pasta sauces.
